Dr Abby Sex Therapist
by Bob Rhynoplasty
Summary: Gibbs and Tony are having problems and go to Abby for help. Madness and lots of talking ensues. SLASH!


**Dr. Abby; Sex Therapist**

**Summary:** Gibbs and Tony need help with something. And Abby's the only one who can help them. Madness ensues.

**Disclaimer: **Still own nothing. As much as that upsets me (I would really like to own Michael Weatherly) it's also a good thing. I would totally have made Gibbs and Tony go at it in the elevator during Twilight, and then Ziva never would have ended up on the show, and the 150th (technically 152nd) episode wouldn't be airing on Tuesday. Which I can't watch because I'm working! Gar!

**Pairings:** *Takes a deep breath* Gibbs/DiNozzo (Obviously) Implied Gibbs/Abby, DiNozzo/Abby, Ziva/Abby, Kate/Abby, and McGee/Abby *breathes again*

**Rating:** T, for suggested sexual encounters and like one naughty word. And when I say naughty, I don't mean the fun naughty.

**Warning:** This story is A.) purley crack, fun, and ridiculous. It also takes place in Abby's point of view. Well, Third person point of view, but from Abby's perspective. So there's a lot of words. And B.) This story is SLASH! With the exception of Slaughter House, just about every story I write these days is slash. Why? It's fun and I am convinced that Gibbs and Tony are made for each other. TIVA could never stand a chance because Gibbs isn't going to give up his Tony without a fight!

**Author's Note:** It's 4:30 in the morning, I just discovered I have another cold and I literally thought of this story idea tonight at work. It's one of those things that you just gotta take in stride.

* * *

The music blared in the lab, to a normal human being, it would be considered deafening noise. But Abby loved it. The nonconventional chords that didn't seem to make sense. They had a pattern in her head, just most people at NCIS weren't willing to learn it.

Gibbs and Co just finished up their latest case, did that mean Abby could rest? Of course not, she had cases for other agents that she had to work on. People who were always mad that she took care of Gibbs before them. Of course, usually they were too terrified to actually say something in front of Gibbs, being a sniper and all.

She barely heard the elevator _ding. _But she did hear the argument coming out of the hallway. Her ears picked up. That sounded like her two favorite people in the entire world. And they were arguing.

Slowly she crept closer to the door. She didn't dare turn the music down, Gibbs would definitely notice that. Of course, he was also the type to notice someone eavesdropping, but she was just too damn curious to stop.

"This is a really stupid idea, DiNozzo!" Gibbs yelled, just outside the lab. Abby hid next to Major Mass Spec.

"Oh, will you calm down, boss?" Tony yelled. "It's Abby! When have you ever known Abby to be judgmental?" Judgmental? Now Abby was really curious.

"This is a personal problem. We shouldn't be mixing our dam personal problems with our professional!"

"Really? And um, is that the reason behind Rule 12, or your relationship with Director Shepard?"

Abby's jaw dropped. There was no way that Tony just said that to Gibbs. Wait, scratch that. There was no way Tony just said that to Gibbs and _was still standing_!

The two men busted in with purpose and confidence. Very hot. But as they noticed that their forensic scientist wasn't at her computer, or in her office, they slowed down. "Abby?" Tony called out.

Slowly, Abby stood up. "Um." They swiveled around to stare at her. "Hi guys."

Gibbs, in true Gibbs-ness, scowled. But Tony—oddly enough—just burst out laughing. Well, ok, it was usual for Tony to start laughing at random, it _was _Tony. But Abby couldn't think of a time that Tony would randomly burst out laughing in front of Gibbs. At least without earning a head slap from it.

Gibbs turned his scowl on his employee. Tony just laughed harder. "She actually snuck up on you, boss!" Abby smiled proudly, no longer sheepish.

She moved away from Major Mass Spec towards her computer. "What can I do for you, boss man? You got another case already?"

"No," Gibbs said through a gust of air. "Tony and I… have an issue." He stepped up onto her left.

"We were hoping you could help." Tony suddenly appeared at her right, making her jump.

She looked between the two of them, completely flummoxed. What problems could Gibbs and Tony have? Judging by the argument it was something personal. But the question is, what could the problem possibly…

"Oh god." She stepped back so she could look at them at the same time. "You two aren't breaking up are you?" The two of them exchanged looks. She shook her head. "Wrong word. You guys aren't going to be on the same team. Gibbs, you're not going back to Mexico are you? Oh my god, Tony, you aren't taking that promotion to Rota, now, are you?" She started pacing as panic rose inside of her. "No, no, you guys can't split up! The team is nothing without you! I mean, Gibbs," She pointed at the man in question. "Gibbs you're our spine! Without you, we're just a bunch of jelly fish!" She turned to Tony. "And Tony, you're our spinal cord! Without you, we don't… have reflexes! We can't move! Without you we're paralyzed!" She stopped. She stepped up to them and smacked them both in their arms.

"Ow!" They said in unison.

"You two aren't allowed to paralyze us, do you understand? We need the both of you. You two are irreplaceable and—"

"ABBY!" Tony shouted.

"Abs!" Gibbs shouted at the same time. "I'm not going back to Mexico."

"And I'm not going to Spain." Tony grabbed her shoulders and stared directly into her eyes so she saw that he was telling the truth. She nodded vigorously.

"Ok." She said quietly. "But you didn't say that you two aren't breaking up!"

Tony stepped back and put his hands in his pockets. Gibbs looked all around the lab. Except at Abby. That wasn't normal. Gibbs didn't shy away from problems. He was Gibbs, he face his issues head on! Nobody could make Gibbs uncomfortable! He even handled the train wreck of his ex-wife, former lover, and current girlfriend with complete grace and a stony face! This was definitely not good.

"Guys! Tell me what's going on?" She crossed her arms over her chest and did her best imitation of Gibbs' glare.

Tony spoke first, albeit grudgingly. "Gibbs and I _might_ break up."

Abby's heart stopped.

"But not the way you think." Gibbs quickly added.

The two of them shared a _look._ It was so… different that it deserved to be italicized. "Gibbs and I are… technically… together." Tony again looked her directly in the eye so she'd know he was telling the truth.

Her jaw dropped.

"Together as in… _together_?" They nodded. "Like, together together?" Another nod. "Like, you two kiss and snuggle and have sex and come up with cute nicknames, together?"

Tony nodded firmly. "Exactly. Except without the snuggling and the cute nicknames. Gibbs' idea of a pet name is calling me bubble butt, and I call him High Hoe Silver."

Gibbs rolled his eyes, but Abby noticed when he looked at Tony, it wasn't with annoyance. It was with… tenderness. Woah.

Abby squealed and threw herself at the two of them. They barely caught her before she went barreling into her computer. "Oh my god, I am so happy for you two!" She pulled back and looked Gibbs square in the face. "I just knew that if you were to ever go gay, it would be for Tony. I just knew there was something between you two. All the flirting, the slaps. Why you were so miserable when he was on sick leave after the plague." She pointed her finger at him. "You've got a case of DiNozzo-itis!" He rolled his eyes again. Abby turned away in thought. "Ziva was right, it is venereal."

She swirled around, effectively stopping Tony's chuckle. "And you! It was so obvious that you wanted the bossman! I mean the way you strive for his affection! How mad you got because he called Kate and McGee's names before yours. You always try to be the best and get Gibbs to notice you above the others! Because you were totally scamming on him!" She stepped back again. Her hands were over her heart and her face was wide in happiness and curiosity. "How long have you two been sleeping together?"

They shared another _look_ before turning back to her. She almost squealed again. Those two were totally made for each other.

"That's technically the problem. We aren't technically sleeping together." Abby's face fell at Tony's words. "And it might break us up."

"No! No you can't break up, didn't you just hear me? You two were made for each other. It's a relationship written by the gods! Better than Cleopatra and Marc Antony." She giggled. "You get it? Antony, Anthony?" She stopped when they saw their completely straight faces. "Alright then." She held up her hands, crossed, waiting for them to grab.

Hesitantly, they reached out and took the closest offered hand. Abby spun around under her arms and dragged them into her office. She released them, turned off her music and sat at her desk. She turned back to them after she put on her court glasses.

"So, tell Dr. Abby what seems to be the problem?" She crossed her legs and held a pencil close to her lips. She felt just like a psychiatrist. It was awesome!

Gibbs gave her an annoyed look. "Abby," he growled.

"Gibbs! If you want to save your relationship, then you are going to have to trust me. And talk." She gave him a look of her own. He shook his head.

"We're having problems in the bedroom." Tony finally offered.

Abby nodded. "Not enough lube?" She asked all knowingly.

"Abby!" They shouted in unison again.

"What? It's a very reasonable question. It can't be very enjoyable if there's too much friction."

Tony shook his head. "No, it's not… not enough lube."

"Dirty talk? Tony sometimes likes dirty talk."

"Abby!" This time only Tony shouted. Gibbs, on the other hand just stared at his younger lover incredulously. Abby smiled. She could refer to Gibbs and Tony as _lovers_. They were _lovers_. See, that word was just as special as the _look_. It had to be italicized.

"You talked to dirty to Abby?" Gibbs glared.

It seriously looked like Tony shrank at least two feet right there. "No. Not, real dirty. I mean, nothing too—"

"Quit while you're behind, DiNozzo."

"Quitting boss."

Abby nodded in understanding. "It's bondage isn't it?" This time, they didn't shout. They just stared at her, wide eyed and jaw dropped. "Well, I can see Gibbs and all his hot tough Marine sniper-ness being totally into the whole bondage, 'tie me up, whip me and call me Big Daddy' thing."

Tony shut his eyes and shook his head. "We haven't had sex because we can't decide on the positions."

At first, Abby was a little confused. She turned to Gibbs for help. He sighed heavily. "Neither one of us has ever bottomed before."

Abby was actually stunned silent. And it took a lot to stun Abby silent. And this did it. "Are you two telling me that you're about to break up because you don't know who should catch and who should pitch? Seriously?"

They both looked incredibly embarrassed to admit it. "It sounds bad when you say it." Tony mumbled.

Abby jumped up from her seat and tried to stare them down. "Listen here you two! You are _not _destroying the greatest relationship on the planet over something stupid like your stupid sex positions!"

Gibbs shook his head. "Abby, it's not really a relationship."

"It's more physical than anything." Tony added.

Abby shoved her finger in his face. "Gibbs looks at you with tenderness. You look at him with admiration! That's more than physical Anthony!" Tony shied away again. Abby turned on her heel and stalked across the office. "So." She turned back to face them, crossing her arms. "Why come to me?"

Again, they looked sheepish. "I know that you slept with Gibbs." Said Tony.

Gibbs finished, "And you slept with Tony."

For the first time, Abby felt herself falter. "Oh. Well, now I kind of feel like a slut. Or a fag hag. Or maybe a girl fag. Oh god." She jerked her gaze up at them again. "I didn't turn you guys gay did I?" If she did, McGee was going to be so pissed! She had sex with both of them long before she ever even met McGee. And she slept with _him _more than Gibbs and Tony put together times fives!

Tony shook his head. "I'm not gay."

Abby blinked. "Are you saying there's really such a thing as a bisexual guy?" She really didn't believe that. Girl, sure. She herself had a few encounters with a couple of girls. Including Kate and Ziva.

Oh god, she boned the entire team!

"I prefer girls. But there are a few guys who get my attention." His gaze drifted over to Gibbs as he said that. Their _look_ was back.

"Ok, so, I'll ask again, since it was technically my fault we got sidetracked. Why are you coming to me?"

"We were hoping you could help us settle the matter." Said Gibbs for the first time in five minutes.

Abby's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "You want me to decide who should be on top and who should be on bottom.

Gibbs nodded, but Tony spoke. "Since I'm bi, I think it makes more sense for _me _to be on top."

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "What, just because I'm gay, I'm suddenly the woman here?"

"Women aren't interested in a guy who's willing to play the part of a chick in a gay relationship!"

"I got news for you DiNozzo, women aren't interested in a guy who's in a gay relationship period!"

"Some of them are. In fact one ex girlfriend I had wanted me to cheat on her with a guy, provided I always wore a condom, never bottomed and she got to—"

"DiNozzo!"

"Shutting up."

Gibbs pointed in triumph. "See? I'm the dominant one in this relationship! It makes more sense that I top and you bottom. You kiss my ass for everything else in our lives."

"Personally I would rather fuck it."

Gibbs glared daggers at his _lover_. They wheeled around to face the Goth woman. "Abby!" They shouted again.

She blinked. For a second, she thought they forgot she was there. Not that she was going to try and correct them. That was pretty fun to watch.

She stepped closer. "So, you want me to determine who should bottom and who should top, because I've had sex with both of you and I can tell you who's better in bed?" They even nodded in unison. Abby felt her heart melt.

She peered into the distance with her eyelids lowered as she tried to remember every detail about her sex with both men. Although, honestly, she already made her decision. She just wanted the other man to feel better about himself. "Well, Tony's penis is definitely longer."

"Ha!" He shouted out.

"But Gibbs' is definitely wider."

Gibbs' lip twitched into a small smile, Tony's smile turned sour. "Not by much."

"Gibbs has a touching fetish." Tony quirked his head in agreement. "Tony has a biting fetish."

"That he does." Gibbs fixed his collar, most likely to make sure it was still covering the hickey Tony gave him. Abby understood that. She had to wear turtlenecks for two weeks before her hickeys faded. She doesn't even own two week worth of turtlenecks!

Her lips pressed together. It was time to deliver her final decision. "Gibbs can have you screaming like Meg Ryan in _When Harry Met Sally_. Only, in a real orgasm, not a fake one."

Gibbs turned a smug grin to his young _lover_. Tony didn't look too happy.

"However, Tony will have you screaming in tongues. And by the time he's done with you, you aren't walking for a week."

It was Tony's turn to flash a smug look. Gibbs turned to Abby and glared. "You're making that up."

Abby shook her head. "I'm not! Well, ok, he may not actually have you screaming in tongues, but its close!" She stepped closer. Gibbs, did you know that eighty-five percent of women don't reach an orgasm through penetration? Well, for the longest time, I thought it was a girl's problem. Until I had sex with Tony." The man in question's smile grew wider and wider the more she spoke. "I swear, that night I had thirteen orgasms. Thirteen! Really, I counted them. Although it was really awkward counting them, while I was too busy enjoying them. Tony kept looking at me funny 'cause every time I climaxed, instead of shouting out his name, or an 'oh my god,' or 'oh yes' or something equally cliché, I was shouting out a number—"

"Is there a point to this, Abs?"

Abby smiled. "That's so cute, Gibbs. You're jealous." Gibbs glared again.

"Wait, that's why you kept shouting out numbers?"

She smiled. "Well, I had to keep track, somehow, didn't I?" She shook her head to clear it. "Well, my point is, that throughout all thirteen orgasms, he didn't touch me. Literally, his hands stayed right by my head the entire time." She held up her own hands in demonstration. "I mean, you're good Gibbs. You're fantastic. But if I had to rank you guys by order of great sex," she held up her hands to position them all on an invisible line, "it'd be Kate, McGee, Ziva, you, and Tony's at the top." When she dropped her hands and looked back at her boys, they were staring at her in confusion.

"What?" She asked, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

"Is there anyone on the team you haven't slept with?"

Abby smiled. "You'll never know."

Tony got upset about that. "You got that from _The Ugly Truth_! I took you to see that."

Abby just shrugged and turned back to Gibbs. "If you want my professional opinion, let Tony top. If you think I'm wrong, then switch it out. Maybe you guys can go back and forth, I hear a lot of couple do that." She nodded.

The two of them stared at her dumbfounded again. After a moment, most likely trying to process everything she just told them, they nodded and stepped closer to her.

"Thanks Abs." said Gibbs as he placed a kiss on her left cheekbone.

"You're the best Abby." Tony added as he placed on her right.

They made to leave before Abby called out to stop them. When they turned back to face her, she was all smiles. "Before you go, can I watch?" Tony bit his lip and Gibbs arched an eyebrow. Abby's eyes got even bigger than they already were. "I mean watch you guys kiss! I need physical proof that you two are legitimate. And I need to know that you two aren't going to break up because of this stupid fight! Please?" She batted her eyelashes.

Gibbs threw his head back and chuckled. Without a second's hesitation, he grabbed the lapels of Tony's jacket and pulled him into a total orgasm inducing kiss. Just watching it made Abby's knees weaken. She had to brace herself against her desk as beads of sweat rolled down her face. She wasn't sure who was going to fall over first, Gibbs or Tony. It seriously looked like a struggle just to stay upright.

Finally they pulled apart, panting. Their lips were swollen and their eyes had glazed over. They turned to her, trying to regain their composure. "Satisfied?" Gibbs asked.

Abby just smiled. "Are you?"

Without another word, the two of them left the lab. Abby had a feeling the elevator was going to be out of service for a while. Those two had a few problems they still needed to resolve.

"So cute." She mumbled to herself. She pushed off her desk and stood against the door. "You can come out now McGee!"

Slowly, McGee crawled out from under her desk where he was working on fixing her computer. He had a look on his face that was a mix between a gaping fish a deer caught in the headlights. "Gibbs and Tony?" He finally asked.

Abby nodded her head sharply. "Isn't it fantastic?" Her voice had a bit of a wistfulness to it.

"Gibbs and Tony. Are having sex problems."

Abby shrugged. "Every new relationship has it's problems." She sat back at her desk and pulled off her glasses. She almost forgot she was wearing those. "But I guarantee you, those two are forever!"

McGee turned to her and glared. Abby's smile faded. "What?"

"Am I seriously at the bottom of the list?" He crossed his arms and tried to look intimidating.

Abby's smile came back full force, only this time there was more pleasure in it. "You'll never know."

* * *

**I am probably going to jinx myself for saying this, but I actually like this story! It was fun to write. And just so everyone knows. I will most likely NEVER write a story with Gibbs pitching for Tony. Why? I like Tony! Like I'm sexually attracted to Tony, and Michael Weatherly. And I'm incredibly weird. When I like a guy, I never picture ME having sex with him, I picture him having sex with another man (Except for David Boreanez, him I can't picture with a dude) but I can't imagine him on bottom. It's one of my quirks. My brother calls them my ways. So anyways, I hope you guys don't expect me to write a TopGibbs story. It won't happen. **

**Well, let me know what you think. But like I said I probably jinxed myself. Everytime I like a story for this fandom, I get very few reviews. I think the story is ok, I get over twenty. But I will be happy if I at least one one or two! ANd flames are welcome! Just as long as they're not about Tony!**

**Bob**


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